I want to explore the reasons why we fall in love. That mystical event that occurs when we inexplicably connect with another human being. That connection that has the potential to last a lifetime or it has the potential to explode into chaos and dissolve into the abyss. It can cause some of theworst pain and some of the best pleasures a human being can endure. As always with the topics of this newsletter, it also causes struggle and that struggle must be endured for long-lasting love. Without struggle, a couple of humans cannot remain connected in this way. Love requires conflict, pain and struggle but this brings with it pleasure, love and growth.
How do we find “the one?” What is “the one?” And why bother searching for them? The one is the person who you didn’t realise you needed until you find them. The one who you can’t imagine living without and can’t believe you were content before meeting them. The one is the one you needed when you met them and the one you still need now. However people can function perfectly well without romantic love. People can live happy and fulfilling lives without it. However, a quarter of us will compromise and convince ourselves that we have found it, only to find in years to come, that we were fooling ourselves. Hence, why divorce numbers are so high. So why do we go to so much effort, only to fool ourselves? Because finding “the one” is finding success. To say that we are competent enough in ourselves to have found someone who loves us, is to say that we are successful in life. Thefact that someone puts up with you shows that you’re competent enough to be put up with. However true love is rare. Why else would it be so worth having and so worth torturing ourselves to find? As the saying goes, “nothing worth having comes easy” and love is not an exception. As with most pursuits in life, many people try to find shortcuts and easy routes. But the problem with the easy routes is that the payoff and reward is no where near the payoff of the hard ones.

Just as eating healthily for one day will not reap the rewards of eating healthily for a lifetime, settling for someone will not reap the rewards of falling in love.

I don’t mean settling for someone in terms of aesthetics, I mean settling for someone who you know is not right for you. We are all unique individuals with unique needs, expectations, hopes, desires, behaviours, goals, genetics, personalities and more. Therefore the person who’s right for you must compliment these features. For example, someone who works too hard needs someone who can ground them and help them relax but who also supports their aims and growth. The person who’s right for you must also differentiate from you. Being with someone too similar to yourself creates too much order and therefore boredom. Lastly, the person who’s right for you must conflict with you. You don’t want a “yes” partner; someone who agrees with everything you say. Some of you might be thinking “that sounds great.” To those, I say you must challenge your perceptions regularly. If you’re confident that you’re correct in your beliefs, you should also be confident enough to have those beliefs challenged. Who’s knows? You might just be wrong and you better be confident to admit that as well. If not, good luck maintaining a healthy relationship in which both parties are satisfied.
Finding the one will be a hard search, but one that will be worth the wait and the struggle. So if you’re in a relationship now, truly and honestly ask yourself if the person you are with compliments you, differentiates from you and conflicts with you enough without deviating into a chaotic relationship. Is there enough friction to keep things interesting? Is there so much friction that your relationship is chaotic and painful? If you’re partner does not compliment you, if you don’t differentiate or disagree sometimes and if there is zero friction or too much, you should consider struggling your way back into the lonesome journey of seeking and searching for the one that does.
I don’t believe in fate concerning love. However I do believe there’s a person you’re meant to and should be with. I think if I had made a different decision or choice at one point or one factor of my life was slightly different then the person I was meant to be with might be different but it’s precisely because I made the decisions and choices that I have made that the one I was meant to fall in love with is who I am with now. So in a way there is fate with regards to love but not because there is one person selected for you but rather, there is one person you would fall in love with if you met them but there’s another realm of possibilities and an infinite number of universes in which one slight difference has the potential to change who the one you fall in love with is. A difference of friends, a career change, a slightly different genetic make-up, a death of a loved one, these are just a few examples of an event that has the potential to change your character so drastically that you fall for someone else.
I’ll now answer a question my partner asked after I read her this article: “Are you saying that you could change and then not love me anymore or love someone else?” Luckily for me, I had already thought of this. The one cannot just be who you fall in love with. It also has to be the one that you love. I mean love as a verb here. To fall in love is easy, but to love is a struggle. To love someone for decades is to work with them, to grow together and that is not pie in the sky rom-com montages. It’s work, struggle, pain, conflict and hard work. If you want something to last, work on it. If you want to be with someone after all of that, then they’re the one. If they support your growth instead of interrupting it, they’re the one.
So you’ve fallen and you’ve navigated a relationship for a year or so? Hopefully, you’ve realised that your one supports your growth and progression, therefore if you do change for the better, then they will support this. Be careful however not to slip too far into becoming worse or complacent or else you risk edging closer to chaos and fire in your relationship and perhaps even a bitter end. Therefore, if you’re in a relationship, when you change, and you will, as long as that change is productive and supported, then the one you love will always be the same.
Unfortunately, people who are seeking love might be making wrong choices and decisions and therefore the one you meet and fall for will be making similar choices and decisions as you and may not be so supportive of your growth and progression when you decide to make a change for the better. This is why we recollect about our past relationships and think “what was I thinking?” It’s because, like it or not, we were making the wrong decisions before we met them and that’s why we believed, ignorantly, that they were the one. Then too much chaos or too much order lead to another parting. Or, if you’re trying to better yourself, struggling onward against the current (to paraphrase F Scott Fitzgerald), you’ll find the best one for this better self you’re striving for that will support your progression.
So to conclude, the choices and decisions you are making now will affect your future relationships and might just change you are meant to be with. If you’re not being productive, healthy and embracing struggle, then don’t expect to fall for someone who is and don’t expect them to fall for you when you could be so much better. However, if you’re making productive choices, bettering yourself and embracing struggle, then you’ll find the one accordingly who will continually support this discipline you’re practicing. Once you have fallen in love, it’s time to get to work and grow together. If you don’t or if they don’t support your change and progression, then get back on the horse, and get seeking.

Keep on Struggling,

Gregor

Song I’m Listening To - Who Will Save Your Soul by Jewel

I have only recently listened to Jewel for the first time after listening to her on The Joe Rogan Experience, in which she sang this song towards the end. The song is raw, emotional and could only be written by someone who has lived a life as chaotic and unbelievable as Jewel. She said she wrote thesong: “When I was about sixteen years old I took a train from Michigan to San Diego and then into Tijuana and hitchhiked around Mexico. It seemed like everybody else was looking for somebody to save them. I wrote it during that trip, but I had no idea it would ever be on a record.” I would also recommend watching/listening to her on The Joe Rogan Experience because her story is incredibly interesting and thought-provoking.

Book Recommendation - Man’s Search For Meaning

This is one of my all-time favourite books. I bought it whilst visiting Auschwitz in Poland and it is a remarkably motivating and uplifting book given thesubject. It had so much of an impact on me that it inspired the creation of this newsletter. Here’s part of the description: “A prominent Viennese psychiatrist before the war, Viktor Frankl was uniquely able to observe the way that both he and others in Auschwitz coped (or didn't) with the experience. He noticed that it was the men who comforted others and who gave away their last piece of bread who survived thelongest - and who offered proof that everything can be taken away from us except the ability to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances. Thesort of person the concentration camp prisoner became was the result of an inner decision and not of camp influences alone. Frankl came to believe man's deepest desire is to search for meaning and purpose.”

Buy The Book Below.

BUY HERE

Movie I Love - Limitless

Here’s a quick description: “With the help of a mysterious pill that enables the user to access 100% of his brain's abilities, a struggling writer becomes a financial wizard, but it also puts him in a new world with many dangers.” I love this movie because I find it very motivating, I think: “I don’t need a pill to be that productive.” It turns out you do but it still doesn’t stop me trying. It also has a terrific soundtrack which I’ve added to my “Motivation” playlist. There’s a specific scene in the film that I mean when I say it’s very motivating which I’ve linked below but I would definitely recommend watching the whole film.

WATCH HERE

Poem to Ponder

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night By Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.